She's all girl. Whatever THAT means.Ever since Clara was born, people have been asking me whether parenting a baby girl is different than parenting a baby boy. And I’ve always answered very honestly that, except for the clothes, I haven’t noticed much of a difference.
Sure, Clara’s about the most easy-going baby I’ve ever had the pleasure of snuggling, but that isn’t necessarily a girl thing, I figured. And other than that, how would it be different? She does what babies do: eats, sleeps, dirties her diapers.
But lately I’ve noticed some differences. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first but I realized it has to do with the way Clara relates to her toys. Now, it’s important to point out that when it comes to toys, Clara’s had much more of a traditionally “male” experience: that is to say, we haven’t bought her any of her own toys yet and she’s playing with hand-me-downs. What she plays with is the sort of thing her brothers would have played with at her age, because it actually is exactly what they played with!
But she plays differently. Whereas my boys preferred balls, blocks, bright colors and anything with wheels, Clara seems to prefer soft, cuddly toys and especially anything with a face. She doesn’t just chew and shake and squeeze and slap her stuffed animals, she snuggles them…and talks to them. If I hand her a stuffed animal or doll, she starts babbling with excitement and pulls it into a great big bear hug. Right before she slobbers on it. (and THEN comes the slapping and shaking).
Could be a personality thing, I again thought. But then the other day I stumbled across this article. Among the parts that jumped out at me:
It’s been observed for a while that, visually, baby girls prefer faces, whereas boys prefer moving objects, such as mobiles, even as very young infants. “[A baby girl] prefers the faces that lean down and stare lovingly into her eyes,” says Goldberg. “Little girls hold eye contact longer than the average boy. Stare back and give her expression. Girls tend not to respond to flat expressionless gazes.”
Since Clara was born I’ve been purposely staying away from any articles that smack of “how girls and boys are different” because I didn’t want to influence the way I’d interpret her behavior. Of course, I’ve probably read all these things in the past and they’re floating around in my subconscious somewhere. But my husband (who I can promise you has not read 1/1000th the number of articles and studies I have on child development and parenting) even observed recently how much Clara stares at his face, as though studying his expressions. She moves her mouth along with him as he talks. It’s clear she’s very, very interested what he’s saying and is trying mimic it herself–something I don’t remember any of the boys doing at this age (6 months).
On the other hand, maybe we’re talking to her differently because she’s a girl. Or maybe we’re handing her the stuffed animals a little more frequently than the balls and trucks. Maybe we don’t even notice that we’re acting differently because it’s so ingrained in us.
So what say you? Those of you with boys and girls (or with experience caring for boys and girls) did you notice differences in their behavior from this young an age? Do you chalk it up to natural differences in the genders? Or do you think different-gendered babies and children act differently because we expect and encourage them to?
EDITED to share this funny anecdote. I was at the playground with Owen and William today, and there were two little girls there about their ages.
William and Owen played such games as “flush ourselves down the toilet” (tube slide) and “climb the mountain before the ghoul gets us.”
The little girls had little stuffed bears which talked to each other the entire time. Their play? Was an hour-long conversation.
In light of this conversation, the contrast made me smile.
Most definitely! My girls tend to cry more and louder, from the beginning. The boys would cry if they were hungry, and would stop when I fed them. The girls would cry because they didn’t like what they were wearing, and they wouldn’t stop crying, even if they were crying because they were hungry.
The emotions were off the grid, is what I’m saying. And that thing Clara is doing? She will definitely talk all the time–when she’s playing, eating, whatever. My boys don’t talk as much the older they get, but they are much louder, sound effects-wise.
Honey, they are so different. Obviously, there are some that overlap; but, after 3 boys and 3 girls, I am sure that some things are just hardwired.
Example: Both my oldest (boy) and second (girl) played with Barbies. Boy would grab the Barbies and bang them together and watch their heads fall off. Girl would sit there quietly, puzzled; and I could tell she was thinnking, “There must be something else we’re supposed to do with these.”
Example: Same 2 kids - Boy had a little wooden toolbox, which contained (among other things) nuts and bolts. Which are the ones with the hole in the middle? Nuts? Anyway, Girl found the toolset and immediately placed all the nuts on her fingers and yelled, “Look, Mommy, rings!”
Let me add here, I wear no jewelry.
Once girls turn into toddlers, they do all sorts of weird things with their hips and their legs that are totally girly. you’ll see - none of your boys will have done any of it. And it’s not as if you stand around the house slinging your hip out and cocking your head cutely to one side and twisting the opposite leg in. Totally hardwired…
Ah! Found the post I wanted to share on this subject:
http://suburbancorrespondent.blogspot.com/2008/03/fundamental-things-apply.html
we have the same thing only opposite: tate has mostly girl toys available to him but he is more interested in throwing, hitting, batting and kicking things than the girls ever were. even with a tom boy girl, i can tell the difference. tate already can identify every single ball that we show him. he does a little “talky” playing with the girls for a few minutes but then he is trying to figure out how the toys work or looking for something to throw. he even says “man” as in “i’m the man” when he hits a ball!
I don’t think so. I don’t have a daughter to compare, but I do have three different types of boys to compare. My oldest is very sensitive, nurturing, caring and soft and will talk your ear off!
My middle son is what I like to call “all boy” - he is rough and tumble, and loves to wrestle. The baby is too young to compare the sexes… I think all babies are the same… except when it comes to clothing, like you mentioned.
Nell
Clark and Alice are entirely different. The day before her birthday, I took Alice down the babydoll aisle at Target just to see what “girl toys” look like and she had an enormous fit. She wanted out of the cart. She wanted to hold them. She wanted to hug them and kiss them and smile into their faces. She was smitten. She now carries a baby doll with her everywhere she goes. Her reaction to them astounded me. Oh! And yesterday my grandma bought a little sparkly purse at a garage sale for my three year old cousin. Alice saw it and again had a fit, loved it, picked it up and put it on her arm and smiled. I don’t even carry a purse, just a diaper bag. Dude?
I’ve noticed it big time- going from 3 boys to a
girl it might be more obvious, but in the way she moves, interacts with people and toys, I definitely see a difference in Ivy. She has the same kind of toys, too, and prefers stuffed animals AND digging around in purses!
Steph
I’ve totally noticed a difference. My two boys are very different from one another, and both have what I’d call boyish and girlish traits. But my daughter clearly babbled more at people and was more interested in faces from a young age. When she got older she started doing a lot of girly behaviors that I really do not think she picked up from me - or, these are behaviors one sees in society around us and she avidly picked up and imitated them whereas the boys did not to the same extent at all. (Her fascination with purses and baby dolls *and* the way she plays with these things is one example). Many of these behaviors did not start to emerge until she was a toddler. I’m expecting another girl and very curious about how this one differs from my daughter.
I used to think boy/girl differences were all nurture. That was before I had boy/girl twins. They had the same toys, they lived in the same house, they had the same parents (parents who had NO time to differentiate which toys were handed to which baby; we were in total survival mode). Now I strongly believe that there are huge biologically based behavioral differences between boys and girls. In general, I have found that girls don’t really care about vehicles and lack the sound effect gene.
I was recently at a birthday party where dd’s whole second grade class was invited. Coincidentally, the party room had a terrific view of jets zooming past and performing astounding aerobatic feats at our local air show. While the birthday girls were opening their presents, the girls in the room watched the presents being opened, occasionally peeking out of the windows to see what the noise was about. The boys were mesmerized by the planes and could not be torn away from the windows.
I’ve noticed the “balls and wheels” phenomenon with baby boys I’ve known. It’s certainly different from how my girls play. I do try hard to keep plenty of gender neutral toys about, but when my girls want to build something it is usually a house or a farm. The boys who visit immediately hone in on the wheels and weapon-type parts in our lego bin.
This is so fascinating. It seems it would make sense that boys and girls would act different–after all, we are chemically and physically different, so why would we act the same?
Nell, my oldest is also a talker, sensitive and nurturing. But I still remember him being *different* than Clara at this age. He was much more interested in action and motion, and the talking came later. I feel like Clara came out ready to jump into a conversation with us.
As a mom to 4 boys I have to chime in. I realize I have no girls to compare to but still, my 2 cents: I always believed it was nurture until I had my 2nd boy. The boys do things that girls wouldn’t even think of. Example, my oldest got in trouble at school a couple of years ago (I think he was in 7th grade) for messing around in the locker room with his friends. They were giving each other “five stars”. 1st I had to ask what the hell that was (when you slap someone on bare flesh and leave a red hand print). 2nd I thought they must have been doing this to pick on someone. But no, they were doing to each other. For fun. I honestly have never met a girl that would find this fun, entertaining or even an acceptable activity.
On a related note, he is usually a very nice and caring child. He and his friends are all excellent students, in the band and play sports. And yes, as a girl I feel I have to defend him. It just doesn’t seem like something a decent person would do. But I’m told it’s just a “boy thing”.
What a great discussion! I have an almost 4 year old girl and am expecting a boy next month. Everyone keeps saying how different they will be–how active my boy will be, etc, etc. However, my little is very active, maybe not as some boys I see. I’m wonder how much is nature versus nuture. So we’ll see!
I could really see the difference when my two were older. Now, at three and five, the difference is HUGE. He’s always bouncing off the walls…being sly/funny guy….while she’s much more melodramatic and calm. While she can definitely have her moments of crazy, 3-year-old boy is definitely the wild one. I really enjoy watching the differences AND seeing the similarities.
And an hour long conversation? Awesome.
It’s funny, the difference I found with my boy and girl are exactly the opposite of what would be expected. My son (1st born) was a cuddler. We would nap together and we loved being touched and held. My daughter on the other hand, didn’t like to cuddle or even have her hand held for too long. She finally came round when she was older, but it was certainly hard for me.
Aileen