Inspired by NYCityMama on Twitter, I’m pulling this one out of the archives of my newspaper column. Enjoy!

Lately, I’ve been feeling nostalgiac for the 80’s.

Not for the fashion. Judging by the stirrup pants—yes, STIRRUP PANTS—I spotted during my last trip to the mall, it would appear that’s made a comeback whether I like it or not.

No, what I’m missing these days are the sitcoms.

I remember a time when NBC’s Thursday night lineup was a full-fledged family event in my house. In the mid- to late-eighties, we flocked to the tube—we only owned one—to catch The Cosby Show at 8:00 and Family Ties at 8:30. Parents and older kids stuck around for Cheers at 9, which, while adult-oriented, was still pretty tame by today’s standards. There were, of course, some changes to the lineup over time, but for years Thursday night was a fun night of television for the whole family.

And why not? In those days, producers actually created television that would appeal to both grown-ups and adults. My folks couldn’t complain about the squeaky-clean Cosby kids, who were polite to guests and nice to their parents. When Family Ties handled a “very special” topic like teen pregnancy or drugs, there was nothing shocking on the program to make a parent cringe. And yet, these shows were genuinely funny. (I still watch them on reruns whenever I can).

They weren’t quite on the Thursday lineup level, but there were plenty of other family-friendly sitcoms, too. Whether it was Growing Pains or Who’s The Boss or, forgive me, that Urkel show, there was a family-oriented option available pretty much every night.

Contrast that to today’s prime-time offerings. According to the ratings guide on the website of the Parents Television Council, almost every sitcom on today’s prime-time lineup rates either “red”—meaning it may contain gratuitous sex, violence or obscenities, or merely “yellow”, with adult-oriented themes and dialogue not suitable for children.

So what are the kiddies watching? Nowadays, they have their own sitcoms, on Disney and Nick. And with very few exceptions, they are a dark cesspool of quasi-entertainment, featuring sarcastic, cynical, rude kids; clueless, bumbling parents and teachers, predictable plot lines and unfunny dialogue.

Even the “teen” moniker on these shows is misleading. Judging by the commercials, these shows are geared solidly toward the “tween” audience—nine- to thirteen-year-old kids who still love stuffed bears and disgustingly sour candy. Which means real teens are probably watching the adult stuff—most likely in their own bedrooms—or they’re just holed up on the Internet all night.

The 90’s seems to be the beginning of the downward spiral for family programming. The crowd-pleasing sitcom was more or less dead by the middle of the decade. Maybe they were killed off by an abundance of cheese (a la “Full House”), or too many “very special” episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire. Or maybe—and this, I think, is the likely culprit—as more and more families put televisions in more and more rooms of the house, there was simply no more need for family shows. Segregating kids and adults into two different audiences allowed advertisers an extremely targeted way to sell their stuff. A win for the networks, a win for their sponsors—but for families, I fear, a big “lose” all around.

I don’t like the assumption that parents and kids can’t even stand to share a TV for a few hours a week—they’d rather hole up in front of their own sets. I don’t like that the raunchier and more ‘adult’ sitcoms get, the less funny they seem. I don’t like that many of these teen stars are the Britney or Hilary or Lindsey of tomorrow, busily grooming their pre-teen audience to follow them into their train-wreck adulthood.

One thing I do like about the TV of today is that we have so many options. If we want to spend an evening watching some good old-fashioned family programming, we have some choices: Stay away from sitcoms entirely, opting instead for “green-light” rated shows about food or home renovation or ballroom dancing.

And every now and then, we can tune into those Cosby marathons, settling in with a bowl of popcorn and the Huxtables.

But I have to admit, I’d love it if the networks heard my plea and brought vintage 80s family comedy back to prime time.

Hey, if we have to live with stirrup pants again, it’s only fair.