The first time I’d seen Maddie’s mom’s blog was two weeks ago, when a friend of hers sent me a link to her “NICU FAQ” post, all about how to help a friend whose child is in the NICU. It’s a great post, so I linked to it from my WEtv blog, then spent a few minutes reading her blog. I noted that Maddie had the longest, most well-defined eyelashes I’d ever seen on a child. Her smile was huge and infectious.

I immediately recalled that smile and those eyes when I learned today that the unthinkable happened: Maddie died from complications of a respiratory infection.

I don’t know Heather, Maddie’s mom. But she has been heavy on my heart today. When I’ve caught myself getting irritated with my kids (with five of them there is plenty of opportunity for irritation) I’ve wondered how Maddie’s mom is likely wishing she could have the opportunity to be exasperated by her little girl one more time. Every hug and kiss, every precious and even mundane moment I get with my kids seems unfair when Maddie’s mom has lost her child forever. Honestly, it’s hard to try to put myself in her shoes. I can’t imagine how I could ever get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other again.

One opportunity blogs give us is to peek into the world of people we would otherwise never meet. Over the last few years I’ve read many, many blogs written by people who have lost, could lose, or are certainly going to lose children. They’re heartbreaking and yet hopeful and amazing in that the parent going through such a horrible thing is not only able to keep living, but also keep writing and even, at some point, go back to enjoying life. I’m honestly not sure I would have the strength to even keep breathing.

But then, maybe that’s what Heather would have said just a few days ago. No matter how fragile Maddie’s health was at the beginning, would there really be any way to prepare for this?

The fact is, none of us have any guarantees, do we? Not with our spouses or siblings or parents, or even our children. Logically, it’s something we all know. But in reality, I’m not sure it’s something I’ll ever be able to come to terms with. How could anyone, unless they absolutely had to?

I wish I could be more articulate, but right now, sad and overwhelmed is all I’ve got.

Maddie’s parents have requested donations to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name in lieu of flowers. Over $15,000 has been raised already.