I wrote the following essay a few years ago for my newspaper column, and thought I’d reprint it now since it seems along the lines of some other things I’ve been writing about lately. What I love about re-reading this is seeing how many changes I’ve made in our lives since writing it.

A couple of weeks ago many of my mother friends were talking about the Duggars, an unusual family in Arkansas. They were first featured on the Discovery Channel back when they “only” had 14 children (their family has since grown).

And I thought I had a lot of kids.

The response among people I’ve discussed the Duggars with has been mixed. Some thought it would be a great experience to grow up with so many children. Some thought the Duggar’s routine and parenting style too strict and inflexible. Others felt sorry for the children, who have to share their parents’ time, love, and resources. While the kids seem happy to me, I can see why, in an era when four kids is considered pushing it, that people would be genuinely puzzled by how anyone could care for eighteen of them.

But what surprised me is the people who protested—passionately—over the fact that in the Duggar household, the children have work to do.

I’m not talking slave labor here. The Duggars aren’t running a dry cleaning business or assembling designer sneakers for ten cents per shoe. But the older kids prepare some of the meals, help out by bathing and dressing their little siblings, and everybody in the household helps keep it running.

The very idea seems foreign and antiquated—cruel, even—to some moms and mom-bloggers. “When do those kids get to be kids?” they ask.

But I see it a little differently.

I have some spoiled children. And that’s not a judgment on my kids: they could hardly help it, having spent years enjoying the fruits of a child-centered society. With today’s brand of competitive hyper-parenting we spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about how to make our kids smarter, more musical, more athletic; starting before birth with educational CDs to maximize our fetuses’ potential and segueing into music classes for infants, competitive sports for toddlers and college-prep preschools. Our kids are no longer expected to help run the household; now they are household projects in and of themselves. It my look like we’re giving them more, but are we really giving them what they need to be successful adults?

“Those kids didn’t ask to be born,” argued one mom. “It’s not fair to make them help run a family they never asked to be in.” I suppose I tend to view the fact that my children are here as a plus for them, not a liability that I have to make up for.

Besides that, I don’t think a responsibility-free childhood is good for them. Just when are they learning to care for others, share the workload, put somebody else’s needs before their own? What about the satisfaction of knowing they’re valuable, needed members of a household?

Most of us don’t have huge families anymore. We don’t have to have ten children so that we can run the family farm, and many of us enjoy spending our disposable income on our kids and having more one-on-one time to lavish on each child. For the most part, I think that’s a good thing. But along the line, something has been lost. My kids—and a whole lot of other kids I know—could do with a lot more responsibility.

I’ve been thinking lately about how much we let our kids take all this for granted. How many crappy toys we buy them, how little we expect them to contribute around the house, how often we let them off the hook because it’s easier than following through with an uncomfortable consequence. Are we really doing them any favors?

Do the Duggars have it right? Maybe, maybe not. But they’ve gotten me thinking about how I could do things differently in my own household, and I think we’ll all be happier for it.

As long as it doesn’t involve a dozen more children, that is.