This week I’ve stumbled across a few different conversations about raising large families–two of them in relation to Katie Allison Granju’s Babble.com essay about why she wants a big family (both at Babble and also in the comments section on her blog post about it), and one in a discussion about the Ionce family with 18 children over at the Womb Within blog.
Now, as somebody who’s written a book on raising larger families, you might think I just love debating the topic. But I often regret getting involved in these conversations, where the assumption often seems to be that large families automatically become a drain on the system and (of course) that parents of many and their children are miserable, attention-starved people. Inevitably, somewhere along the line, somebody makes an assumption like this based on: a family they once knew. A TV show they watched a few times. The complaints they heard from an adult who grew up in a big family. Their income taxes, which they feel are too high and imagine are all the fault of poor, uneducated people having too many babies.
Now, I don’t mind anyone’s having or expressing an opinion–I’ve got plenty of them, and I don’t always have solid research to back them up–but what always amuses and amazes me is how vehemently some people will argue against something that they themselves have no direct experience with.
The only real fact-driven, legitimate arguments I’ve seen coming out of these debates center around environmental issues. I don’t agree that the small number of American families who choose to have bigger families is a threat (fertility levels in the US hover right around replacement rates; we really do have enough resources for everyone if our culture–big and small families alike–would take some steps to quit wasting them; overpopulation in other countries has little to do with how many children Americans have; and wait a sec, how come I never see anyone criticizing dog breeders?), but even though I don’t agree, I can still understand the argument. What I can’t understand is passionate, disgust-ridden arguments (I especially love when they use words like “litter!”) against what life must be like in a big family. Unless you’ve experienced it–and not just in your own family, but a few others, too, for comparison–how can you know what it’s like?
I don’t want 14 or 16 or 18 kids. But it only takes a little imagination to see that a home with 14 or 16 or 18 kids could very well be a happy one. It may not look like MY house or YOUR house or the typical American household, but holy canoli, whoever said we typical American parents are getting it right, anyway?
I could rail against having huge families, but what do I have to base it on? A half-hour TLC special? And even if you think the Duggar family is “creepy”, a word I’ve heard thrown about quite a bit in relation to them, how does that apply to other big families? What about all the miserable people in smaller familes…for instance, the Hogan family isn’t doing so hot; does that mean nobody should have two kids? And I know a lot of people who have complaints about their families: they didn’t get along with their siblings, felt they had too much responsibility, felt they didn’t have enough. What does it prove, except for whatever reason, the dynamics in their particular family led to an unhappy childhood?
I have experience with raising a family of four kids. My family of four kids, not anyone else’s. But I spoke to dozens and dozens of parents and kids with between four and eleven children while writing my book. Yes, a few of the interviews made me cringe, and had I had a bias against big families, I guess I could have filed them away as ammo. But the vast majority of the responses came from what seemed like loving, attentive, responsible parents in functional and happy homes. I bet I’d get a similar ratio if I surveyed a group of smaller families, too.
As for what it’s like to grow up in a family of 18 kids? I imagine it could be awful. I imagine it could be wonderful. Just like growing up with no siblings, or one, or two, there are a lot of factors at play that shape a family’s life. Truly, though? I don’t know. And unless you are one of a very, very small number of people who’ve experienced living in a very large family firsthand? Neither do you.
YOU TELL ‘EM MEAGAN!
(and I did have a litter, and I’m fine with that.)
Great post Meaghan. I’m always startled when people refer to my family (three kids) as large. I found it very frustrating, when my kids were young, that we couldn’t fit into booths, at family tables, get family passes, etc, because they were always geared towards families with two children. I really never thought of three as a large group and I still don’t.
I do hope you come back and visit Womb Within again. Would you consider writing a guest post perhaps?
Marijke
Hi Marijke, thanks for stopping by! I’d love to do a guest post sometime, thanks for the offer. Shoot me an e-mail at meaganfrancis at yahoo dot com!
Great post, Meagan! While reading the articles you linked, I couldn’t help but wonder if my sense of loneliness that haunts me to this day might have to do with growing up in a two child family. It certainly helped with irresponsibility! I would hate to be a child in such a self-rigtheous child-hating family as barbarag’s. Keep writing about the new large family. We’re interested.
Well said, Meagan! You make some excellent points, particularly re: those with the least knowledge/experience of the subject having the most vehemently expressed opinions.
I understand the environmentalist’s concerns, too, but with, as you point out, US births at just around replacement rate, I’d like to ask those who make that “damaging the environment” argument which they think would be better: ten kids raised in one (often frugal, due to the numbers!) household, or ten single children raised in ten seperate households? Their arguments just don’t make sense.
More puzzling still though, is the attitude in the country in which I live, where birthrates are abysmal. No one wants to go to the expense and trouble of raising children for the future of this country, but those of us who do are looked down upon and even despised. This country is dying and those of use who are doing something about it are, at best, considered crazy! At worst…well, it’s not nice. I only have three children and our family is considered large. It’s a joke.
I like you AND
I LOVE my big ole’ loud, crazy, messy,family.
And so did my grandmother, my great grandmother and my great-great grandmother(all with 6+ kids).
We had the litter and then keep adding through adoption. People ask us all the time when we will stop. I tell them,”When the Chinese tell me to NEVER come back.”
Thanks for taking a stand.
Andrea
[…] decision to have more than the “normal” amount of children…I really appreciated this article. Have a […]
I don’t get it either.
I wonder (and maybe this is mean) if some people don’t like large families because they don’t like their OWN family?
I had an (ex) friend who hated being a mom so much I had to stop hanging out with her. She was so negative and had nothing good to say about her own or anyone else’s kids.
Miserable people tend to be critical.
Well said! As one of 20 kids I sure do get sick of all of the assumptions, comments, and weird looks we get. Our family includes kids of different races and nationalities as well as some multiples and we get so many just plain RUDE comments from people when we go out together. On the other hand we get many wonderful comments too.
“Two girls, and three boys.”
Then I watch their reaction as they do the math — let’s see, that’s 2 + 3, carry the one…
“You have 5 children?” Not quite sure they did the math right, but quite sure that I have not, they proclaim, “That’s a lot of children!”
And then I tip my head slightly, and for a brief moment let the fearful, condescending look reserved for encounters with mentally ill vagrants slip across my face, then straighten and wait expectantly, as if waiting for a stutterer to start the next word.
And in the silence that follows my award winning act (Lord knows, I’ve had lots of practice), some have time to reflect on their ignorance and shamefully lower their eyes as they suddenly feel quite small.
I smile magnanimously and ignore their ineptitude. And within seconds they slink away.
Great post. I have always wondered why larger families evoke such an angry response from some people. Why would someone be personally offended? It baffles the mind.
“You have a lot of kids, Lady!”
“Not even a dozen!” (I have 11.)
The more, the merrier is my experience and life just gets better and better with so many to love and be loved by.
Very good article, Meagan!
It is interesting to me that the mothers that I hear with the most vocal complaints about mothering tend to have 2, maybe 3 children (usually the 3rd was a “surprise”) that they dread having at home in the summer. They are often the moms who rejoice at every opportunity to have their children in some activity that gets them “out of the house.”
The families that I know of that have larger families tend to be more content in the the roles of parenting. They tend to be the ones, who do get weary at times, but overall are more content, and who like their children and like having them around.
That said, I do know many families of 2 or 3 children who are very happy and I am sure unhappy larger families exist. But it really comes down to attitude, in many ways. A person can be happy as an only child (I know, I am one) or as one child of many in a family(my kids are pretty happy people). Likewise a person can be miserable as an only or in a large family.
I think one reason some people are so critical of large families is that it is a unique thing in our culture. As much as Americans are known for being independant, we do tend to throw around opinions on things that strike us as different. I think much of the negativity comes from people who don’t feel that they personally could handle a larger family and who don’t understand why someone else would choose to have many children. It is different and rather than seeking to understand in a non-judgemental way, it is easier to stick people and families in a box and label them as “good” or “bad.”
I love your post!
I currently only have one child, but plan on having a large family through both birth & adoption. Ive been reading on many blogs about the experiences of lg families and I know the good outweighs the hard times.
Something Ive always wondered is how environmentalists get so worked up over large families..I know a couple larger families with 7 or 8 kids who are very environmentally responsible..and I also know families with 2 children that are about as wasteful as you can get. Who do you think is easiest on our environment & natural resources? I personally dont think its anyone’s business to judge a large family, especially when they do their part to take care of our environment. As a mommy planning a big family, I already have plans to (many of these things i already do with only 1 child) grow my own produce, recycle, use a lesser amount of electricity & water, bike & walk wherever I can as to not pollute, plan meals & portions to be careful of waste, not litter, make my own compost…and much more. A large family can be much more responsible than a small one if they are aware of what they can do to protect our world.
I think many-not all-of the people who say they aren’t having more, or any, children for environmental reasons most likely didn’t really want more anyway. It’s an easy sacrifice to make if you didn’t want more children all that much to begin with. For some of us, there is a real desire to have more. A feeling of incompleteness as a family. I was shocked when I first came across all the negativity towards large families on the internet. There’s so much sacrifice involved in having even one child, to choose a large family is not a choice everyone would make. I didn’t expect people to be angry with me for taking on more work. I think, rather than trying to make the few of us who choose to have a large family feel guilty, their efforts would be better spent working towards funding education and birth control for countries who do have an overpopulation problem. Studies show when women have control over reproduction, most have very small families. That, in combination with enviornmentalism for ALL size families would go so much farther in ensuring resources for all of us!
I really enjoyed reading all the posts. I have five children and three stepchildren and i know that people can be very rude for instance if you ever take all the kids to walmart everyone’s head turns and you can see the counting. we have even had people say after counting “hope they all arn’t yours” whats up with that? I agree with all of you that it is all about attitude i grew up in a typical 2 kid family and we wern’t very happy. but with all these kids my husband and i have a ball. of course there is always the argument on who does the dishes and always 2 loads of laundry a day, but it is well worth it. I reallly want to have more, but even my family critizes the number telling us we better be done. I think anything that is veiwed as abnormal will always be critized only because so many people don’t understand it.
Great post. I have four kids and I love the big family idea. What frustrates me is that when you need to stay in a hotel, most hotels will only accommodate a family up to 5 people, making it pricier and harder to find a place to stay.
13 yr. Boy, 10 yr. Girl, 3yr Girl, 1 yr twins, I too am in amazement of how so many people get frustrated with the large family. We get alot of stares and “oh my you have your hands full” and that when I olny have the twins with me, we are not a friek show, but you would think America has not seen a family larger than 4 before. I am greatful to the Dugger family and the Gosslin families who have stuck their neck out on TV for all of us. Even though everyonw askes me if I watch John& Kate+8 as if we were in some sort of club together. I have never had so many stares and down right rude comments as I get when I am shopping with the twins and 1 or 2 other children, it is dishartening sometimes that my chidren have to hear people talk to us that way. After a few frustrating shopping trips I decided I needed a come back to shut them up, so I started saying things like, “I guess God has blessed me more” and “we are special for having them,” “everyone should have 5 kids their great” this usually send them on their way. I want to always put a positive spin on it so my kids never have the feeling they are a burden or too much work for me, because that simply is not true.
The hotel thing gets me too. We bought a trailer and go in that when we can. $60. a night on average, and we are all happier.
Thank you for your post and all the great coments from the other moms.
When I was in college, I dated a guy (went to church with him, thought our values were similar) who basically railed off on my family because he thought we were a drain on the environment. I’m one of 6 siblings. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last. And sadly, he went on to marry a woman and experienced infertility.
Now I’m a mom to 5 kiddos. My own husband and his family expressed the “environmental drain” concerns too, and I just laughed.
Growing up in a larger than average family, I learned to make do with less. We couldn’t afford so much material stuff, and we shared many things. . . rooms, clothes (hand-me-downs), vehicles, toys, etc. We also had to limit our time in the bathroom, haha, so that meant less water was used. And my father worked for the power company, so we were always taught to turn out lights and conserve energy. We certainly weren’t spoiled.
Then I married into a family that only had two siblings. My husband’s family consumes more material stuff than my larger family ever did. Even food.
I guess I’m trying to say that sometimes, smaller families get to think of “self” and are able to spoil their children or give them more “stuff”.
I enjoyed your post!
Emily
We currently have twelve and are expecting twins in Dec. I wouldn’t trade my home lifestyle for all the quite in the world. Our level of peace in the home, like everyone’s, is determined by the parents, not by the number of children. How many times have you seen one or two children running the parents into the ground? God bless big families. May the world see how beautiful they truly are. God bless you also!
I just wanted to chime in and say that some people are raised to believe that the “right kind of family has only 1 or 2 kids”. This is unfortunately how I was raised, so when I told my parents (joyfully) that we were having our 3rd child, they were less than thrilled. Of course, they love their grand-daughter now, but have made it very clear that we need to be done now. I, however, am not done, and neither is my husband. He is the 2nd oldest of 8 children, and while I only have 1 sister (the “preferred” 2 child family) I have always wanted a large family. My father is a financial planner, so their main argument against a large family is financial (How will you possibly afford to send them all to college??), but that argument doesn’t bear much weight with me.
Thank you for your well-written article, and to all the large-family moms who left encouraging comments. I know I’m not alone in the desire to have a large family, but sometimes it’s difficult to see that through the extended-family barrier.
I just wanted to say that i sooo agree..I just had my 4th and I think it will be our last but at the same time I would never regret having my 4 children.. I came from the “2 child family” sure I love my brother and he’s the best but I always wanted more than just two kids..
Personally I know my family of 6 consumes LESS than most families of 4 *2 children 2 adults*.. I guess in this day and age people are just too focused on what they can buy and give instead of whats really needed..
I had a friend who they tried for 10 years before they were able to have their son.. I felt guilty for already having two children and pregnant with 3rd when I found out they were finally expecting..I was over joyed cause they make great parents..
There is nothing wrong with a large family.. Personally I think Bigger is Better.