Over the past several years I’ve experienced a lot of blog angst. Some history: I started my first blog in late 2000 or early 2001. Back then, I had no blog angst. Not that many people were reading or writing blogs yet, so I didn’t feel overly competitive or vulnerable through posting. I posted under my first name only and didn’t tell people IRL about my blog. My posts were funny, often raw, and very personal.

Somewhere along the line, I also started writing professionally, contributing to magazines and also writing a weekly parenting column for a couple of newspapers. In an attempt to streamline my online time, I decided to do away with the anonyblog and attach my blog to my website, writing under my full name. Since I was directing editors and those who read my parenting columns and magazine stories to my site, my readership went up. And as a result, I found myself really backing away from highly personal posts laced with cuss words and biting observations.

What I found is that–FOR ME–the sort of thing I’m comfortable saying to ten of my closest friends is not necessarily the kind of thing I’d be OK with shouting in a room full of people who know me by name only. I’m an extrovert, but a reserved one. I was also a little worried that overly in-your-face posts might turn off editors, whom I need to impress–or at least, not completely disgust–in order to make a living. Besides that, I’ve never been someone who goes out looking for controversy: in fact, I don’t much like it unless I feel very passionately about a topic. And when I do want to make a strong statement, I spend a lot of time mulling it over so I can make a logical argument rather than jumping while the issue is hot and filling in any holes in my argument later.

None of the above traits–mulling over an issue forever before posting about it, avoiding controversy, and trying to keep from offending editors (or, for that matter, my family and friends)–is likely to make me a superstar blogger. And while I can deal with not being a superstar, comparing myself to lots of talented, funny, in-your-face bloggers sometimes makes me wonder if I’m not being “authentic” enough. Should I talk more about my failings as a parent or my kids’ annoying habits? Do I paint too rosy a picture of my life, or worse, am I too shallow, not digging deeply enough into my fears and issues and laying them all out there for the world to see? Am I perpetuating myths about motherhood by not being “radical”? Or am I just plain…boring?

Whether my somewhat conservative approach to blogging is wussy or wise, I haven’t been able to decide. But I’m beginning to think it doesn’t much matter. For better or worse, I am who I am–if I know and trust you, I’ll tell you everything there is to know about me; but I’m much more reticent to spill my guts publicly. I love a good debate, but am wary about wading in unless I feel like I know enough about the topic and have enough time to present a solid argument. I’m a polisher; scrubbing and shaping posts for a long time to make sure they say exactly what I want them to say. When I decide there’s something controversial or highly personal that I want to share with a larger audience, I put a lot of time and thought into how I want to present that thought–and then, yes, I sometimes stress out over how it’ll be received. I could punch things up and get way more raw and controversial all the time, but I’d be stressed out all the time. Moreover, it just wouldn’t be me.

It’s easy to come away from a gathering of popular and talented bloggers and think that maybe you aren’t doing it “right”. But the thing is, there is room for all of us out here–the controversial blogs and the quieter blogs, edgy voices and gentler voices, those who write frankly about the rougher side of parenthood and those who decorate posts with jaw-dropping photos of angelic kids or their latest gorgeous handicraft. It helps us remember that everyone’s life is a balance of the polite and the raw, the public and the private, success and failure, and joy and hair-pulling frustration. The “mommy porn” blogs inspire me, and the “raw reality” blogs remind me that nobody’s life is in soft focus all the time.

As for me, I’m somewhere in the middle, and that’s okay too.