If you’ve commented recently and it never showed up, please go back and take a look again. I set my comments to “moderate” because I was getting so much spam, but apparently it hasn’t been letting me know when there are comments to be moderated, because I just fished a bunch out and published them!

You just never know what will get some people good and fired up. My snow day column, of all things, has gotten me a few critical comments now, and one of them definitely has a point. A reader took me to task for making a generalization about how snow days can often throw off a working mom’s schedule, but, as he pointed out, in his office there are two men who are first in line for “snow day” duty.

So, I generalized, and for that I apologize. Of course, I should have said working parent.

At first I was feeling really guilty, thnking I was a hypocrite for poking fun at my disgruntled e-mailer the other day when it turned out I’d done the same thing (made a sexist assumption). But here’s the difference, as I see it: “Ben” was making an assumption about my specific home life based on, well, based on nothing, since if he’d read a few more of my columns he would know I was a working mom. I was generalizing about a group of people based on my experiences–still not okay, necessarily, but in any generalization there is some–sometimes much–truth. And the truth is, in the vast majority of families I know, the mother is the one who takes on the most responsibility for snow days and sick days–regardless of whether she’s working or not.

Even in our household, where we have a pretty even partnership, it’s generally assumed that I’m the one who will make it work if one of the kids has to stay home. Now, part of that is because I work mostly from home, which you can technically do with kids in the house. Technically–but it doesn’t always work out that way, especially if a child is sick and needy. But if I have a big deadline on the day that school’s cancelled or snot is flowing, I would have to ask my husband to take the day off, and though he’d probably do it, there would be some grumbling and gnashing of teeth first.

What about you? In your family, who is the automatic stay-home-on-sick-and-snow-days parent? Do you take turns? Work it out depending on who’s got more going on that day? Or does one parent or the other stay home most of the time? If that’s the case, did you set it up that way by design…or default? If you’re an at-home parent, then what about the dual-working couples you know?

A few days ago, in my “values, meet reality” post , I shared that lately it hasn’t felt like the reality of our lives matches up with my most strongly-held values and ideals about family life. And disconnect #1 is definitely the prominence of video games, internet, television and other technology in our day-to-day lives. Before I go into my plan to stomp out some of the technical imbalance around here, I’d like to share with you my journey from how we went from a no-cable, one computer, no-game-station, one-smallish-television home to the–uh, proud (?) owners of an XBox, XBox 360, Playstation, assorted GameBoys, a biggish TV in the bedroom and an even bigger HDTV in the family room, three laptops and enough laptop parts floating around to assemble laptops for the whole family. Including the baby.

See, my husband is a lover of technology. It’s his thing. He reads up on all the latest gadgets and gear, and since he works in computers, he has access to lots of great deals on computers, software and all the fixings.

I, on the other hand, only watch TV if it’s right in front of me. If it’s not, I forget it exists. I never, ever play video games…in fact, I think I have a video game learning disability, because I can’t even get the people on the screen to run in the right direction. The only video game that remotely interests me is Rock Band, and let’s admit it–that’s just because it gives me an excuse to hold a microphone and belt out Boston tunes. I could care less about winning. I admire high-def televisions when I’m looking at them, but don’t really notice the lack of definition on older sets. I forget to charge my cell phone, so it’s non-functioning for weeks at a time. The only technology I care for at all is my own computer and Internet connection, which I tried to get rid of once, but it turns out it’s pretty hard to conduct research and write articles during a half-hour time slot at the library.

When my kids were little, I was adamant about not having video games in the house. “Those things rot your brain!” I’d protest to my husband, whose brain, I figured, must be at least three-quarters rotted. I wasn’t entirely rational or scientific in my protest against gaming–my only evidence was a gut feeling that there was something really wrong about the look that came over a kid’s (and, okay, my husband’s) face when they were deeply involved in an on-screen battle or quest.

But somehow, we’ve managed to go from there to, well, here. It crept up on me, really…first my husband wanted to get them a game machine “so we can all play together”, and he painted such a blissful picture of father-son togetherness, how could I resist? And then of course, that one was old hat, so we had to get the newer model…and so on, and so forth. And at some point I looked around my house and realized that the technology had gotten completely out of control. Which is why I now advise other parents not to give in to that first game system…it’s a lot harder to stuff the cat back in the bag than it is to just leave it in there to begin with.

So that’s where we are now. A father who lives and breathes technology, a mother who gave in, and four kids who have been increasingly falling under the spell of the screen…but no more. The computer has been unplugged; the XBox is on a shelf, the TV shows are limited. I’d post more tonight, but as it turns out, parenting your kids without the use of techie babysitters is even more exhausting than it is with them. Maybe that’s why we started relying on them more and more in the first place?

More tomorrow. Tonight, I sleep. Well, I sleep, but only after an episode of Reno 911 on Comedy Central. Hey, everything in moderation, right?

(an adapted version of this post will appear on the Chicago Moms Blog.)

Every now and then I get non-fan mail, whether it’s from somebody who disagrees with my opinion, dislikes my writing style, or just seems to despise me in general. Usually I just shrug and move on, but today I got a nasty-gram with a big glaring assumption in it that made my eyes roll back so far in my head I nearly saw my own brains. Here’s the e-mail, in a reaction to my latest column about snow days, which was meant to be humorous but apparently didn’t come across that way to all readers.

“Ben” of the Lansing, MI area says (emphasis mine, just to point out glaring sexist assumption):

Meagan,

I just read your article in the LSJ about how snow days are stressful for you. I would like to make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for the readers to read about ways to keep kids entertained and satiated rather than whining about how stressful it is to keep them occupied. What really gets me is when you mentioned that you were going to request that your spouse stay home with the kids on the next snow day. Your spouse… who works full time so that you can stay home with the kids. Come on. Get with the program. We (the readers) need to have intelligent, productive materials in our media. Not a play-by-play of unruly children.

Um. Not quite. I couldn’t help but respond:

Hi Ben,

Actually, I am a work at home mom, and juggle my family responsibilities while also earning the other half of our family’s income. Like any other parent, my life is a balance of fun and stress, and I try to reflect that reality in my column, which varies widely in topic from week to week. I can appreciate if the column isn’t your cup of tea, but must correct your assumption about my work life. If you have never yet, please try taking four kids to your place of work sometime and see how you feel by the end of the day. My guess is you might do a bit of whining yourself.

Of course, it really doesn’t matter whether I’m an at-home mom, a working outside the home mom, or a mix of the two: the fact is, parenting is stressful, and straying from the usual routine (like on a snow day) can add another layer of stress. But I love how he just had to stand up for my tortured, overworked husband there. I’m such an ingrate! I think I’ll forward his e-mail to my husband just so he knows somebody’s on his side, poor guy.

Ben, and all the Bens of the world, I’m going to use your own words: Come on, man. Get with the program.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my values, hopes and wishes for my family and how they match (or don’t) up with the reality I’m helping to create for them.

A lot of that, of course, is just the normal relaxation of standards that can and probably should happen as your kids get older. After all, we aren’t living on an organic banana farm grinding our own wheat and avoiding all commercial media like I once dreamed we’d be doing, and that’s more than okay by me. A lot of the standards I created for myself when my kids were little just weren’t realistic or sustainable or even all that suited to my personality.

But it’s possible to relax your standards too much, and realize one day that the values you hold dear–the things that really matter and are important to you about how your family members eat, spend their time, interact, live, play–are worlds apart from the reality, and the biggest thing standing in the way is you.

There’s a big difference, after all, between letting your kids occasionally use the TV as a babysitter, and realizing one day that they’re averaging 2-3 hours a day of TV because it’s easier for you to let them than it is to make them turn it off and listen to the whining and “Mom, I’m bored!” complaints.

Mind you, I say “you” but I really mean “me”. Your values and my values are probably different; and our comfort level with TV, computer games, or whatever is likely different too, and that’s just fine. I truly am not judging anyone else’s lifestyle when I say that I don’t feel good when I let my own personal standards relax too much. It’s not a false feeling of guilt–after ten years of parenthood I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing false guilt and chucking it to the curb. It’s more like a realization that something is out of whack, and that my life doesn’t much resemble what I think my priorities should be. Everybody slips up, and everybody’s life gets too chaotic or out of balance at times, and there’s no use feeling bad about it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth taking a closer look and figuring out how to get back on track.

Maybe it’s just the February blahs talking, but I feel like I’ve reached one of those points, and it just doesn’t feel good. My kids have spent far too much time on the computer, bickering over the computer or talking about being on the computer lately. Not enough time outdoors, not enough time spent together. I’ve been inefficient with my babysitting time, meaning I’ve had to use more and more kids-at-home time for work. And maybe it’s the fact that my eldest is ten-going-on-eleven, but I’m starting to feel a sense of urgency about the time we all have left living under one roof. It seems more precious lately, and I’m more determined to make the most of it.

I think this is a thread that’s going to weave through a lot of my writing and reading in the weeks to come. I know I can’t be alone in doing this every-so-often re-adjustment of priorities. Anyone else out there want to weigh in?

From my column this week:

I was reading the Washington Post the other week and ran across a story called “Bringing Up Babies, Defying The Norm,” reporting that 28 is now considered “young” for starting a family.

But to my surprise, I’m still outside the norm. Most of the women I meet who are my age still don’t have children or they have just had their first baby. They look wide-eyed at me and swear that there’s no way they could have handled having children in their 20s.I always tell them that they might have been surprised.

Did you start your family on the younger or older side? What were the drawbacks and advantages to starting a family at that age?

Is not easy on me. After the excitement and ritual and pretty lights of Christmas disappear, and I’m still left with at least two, probably three, maybe even four months of dreary cold and early sunsets, I get…well…not exactly “depressed”, but definitely down. Dissatisfied. Dwelling on the negative. Dampened in spirits. And a lot of other “D” phrases I could probably think of if my brain weren’t also feeling rather Dim.

Sometimes this Dissatisfaction can be useful. For example, I blame the January blahs on our decision to move to Chicago last year–those wheels were set in motion right around this time. That was a huge leap of faith for us, and ultimately, a great move. But sometimes dwelling on that Dissatisfaction can lead to Drastic Decisions that aren’t so well-thought-out in the end. It also can lead to my missing a huge chunk of the year. After all, whether I like it or not, January through March takes up a quarter of my life. Do I really want to wish 1/4 of my life away?

So this year, instead of just surviving each day while looking forward to That Day When It Will No Longer Be Winter like I do most years, I’m going to try to focus on the positive and actually find ways to–gasp–get out and enjoy the cold. Part of this was motivated by some deep conversation during my weekend getaway with Toni, whose new web project Bring the Family is inspiring in many ways, not the least of which photogenically (girl makes a midwestern winter look GOOD), and partly because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself for three months every year. Enough with the whining already! Isn’t it time I actually started living my life all the time, which include actually DOING STUFF rather than just READING about doing stuff because I’m too big a wuss to go outside?

So that’s it. I’m challenging myself to LIVE, January and February and March and even that really cruddy part at the end of March, when it’s basically just a world of cold slush outside. I’m gonna just put on some warm boots and get out there. Okay, except for on those days when it actually feels like my eyeballs are getting frostbitten. Those days are the ones baking, hot cocoa, a good book, and a warm afghan. And hey–those things are all worthy of celebration, too.

Anyone else with me?

–Cross-posted to the Chicago Moms Blog