From my column this week:
I was reading the Washington Post the other week and ran across a story called “Bringing Up Babies, Defying The Norm,” reporting that 28 is now considered “young” for starting a family.
Twenty-eight? When I was 28, I’d long been the youngest mom in the room and was finally starting to feel like I fit in with other moms … old enough to dodge comments like “But you’re just a baby yourself!” when somebody learned that I had a kid.
But to my surprise, I’m still outside the norm. Most of the women I meet who are my age still don’t have children or they have just had their first baby. They look wide-eyed at me and swear that there’s no way they could have handled having children in their 20s.I always tell them that they might have been surprised.
Did you start your family on the younger or older side? What were the drawbacks and advantages to starting a family at that age?
I am getting to be the mom at both ends of the spectrum. My first was born when I was 20, and I experienced a good decade of people being surprised that I was already a mom. My (now) 3 year old was born when I was 37, and I am now one of the ‘older’ moms I know who still have preschoolers. I think my patience has definitely improved with age, though perhaps my energy level hasn’t. (It takes more coffee to keep up these days, it seems.)
I am actually glad I’m getting to see both sides of this particular coin!
Mary, mom to 10
I was 26 when I had my first baby, but in my native Mormon culture (heh heh) that is on the older side, I’d say. Also, I only have 2 kids, and they’re over 4 years apart. Mostly I feel pretty normal but there are times when I’m aware I don’t fit in quite right with some of my LDS acquaintances. My mom, on the other hand, had all 6 of us kids before she turned 30.
I just turned 28 and am, like you, starting to feel more of “age” with some of the other moms. I already have two and many of the first timers I meet are in their upper 30s or 40s.
I had my first kid at 24 and, yes, I have spent a lot of time feeling as if I looked like the nanny.
What impresses me most is how people feel so free to comment on my “young age” and “why I had kids so early.”
Also, just wanted to add that, at least where I live (where most women wait)– waiting to have kids (and be financially secure) gets you into the “fun family” neighborhoods. You know, the ones with kids running up and down the block? Pot lucks? Moms night out?
Our starter neighborhood doesn’t have any of that and it really gets to me at times when I’m in desperate need of adult conversation.
As an adoptive mom I am certainly NOT the norm. I was 28 when we adopted our first and will be 31 with our second. Because “most” people who adopt experience infertility and try treatments before adopting it naturally raises the age for adoptive families. So, parents in my niche tend to be older. I often feel left out of both circles; the biological one because many don’t understand the challenges of being an adoptive family and the adoption circle because I am younger.
Simple Family: we got a lot of comments directed to us about being dinks when we lived in the fun family neighborhood without kids (even though we were trying or in the midst of adopting and people didn’t know it). So the opposite side is hard too. But, I would love to be back in that kind of neighborhood now where I could get that kind of adult conversation. Meghan, I think you wrote about this on Chicago Moms?
Oops, spelled your name incorrectly. My apologies.
My mother was 28 when I was born; my mother-in-law was 28 when her third child was born; I was 28 when my second child was born. Starting at 24, fresh out of grad school felt like a good time for me. I wish I’d been even younger, now. I’m almost 41, expecting #7, and there’s no way you can have a large family starting at 40. (excepting adoption, maybe). Michelle Duggar, with 17(?) kids is my age, to put it in perspective.
Wow. AMEN! So many are waiting until they no longer have the same younger enthusiasm and zeal that we mothers who take that leap of faith earlier have! I am 30 this year and have five amazing, beautiful children. We’ve made it through both nursing school and law school together, and don’t regret a minute of it. I relate to a lot of ideas expressed in your article, and am also shocked at the “new norm”. There’s no way I’d like to place my life RIGHT NOW, as just barely getting started with our family. They’re here, we’re still young, healthy, energetic, and very much enjoying life together.
We’d love it if you’d like to join our discussions in “Real Life Mothering” at Pancakes & Pinesol!
I had my first child when I was 29 (I turned 29 on a Saturday and had him (7 weeks early) on Sunday)and it was good timing for me. I could have done it earlier, but I think I would have made the necessary sacrifices unwittingly and perhaps felt some resentment about the situation once I clued it.
At 29 I felt much more in control of my life and my decision making, and I made conscious decisions about how much I could deal with and what I could give up or shift without losing myself.
I think there are definitely benefits to both ends of the spectrum, and as usual with these things, I fall firmly in the middle.