It’s…finally…over.

Well, in fourteen more hours, anyway.

I’m not a big fan of February in general, but this one, for a variety of reasons related to personal stuff, career stuff, and hideous weather, this has been the worst one I can remember in a long while. But hurrah! It’s almost over!

After you’re done dancing in your chair, head over to read my post at Largerfamilies.com. The topic: did you know that people who have lots of kids are “compulsive mothers”, trying to “fill a void inside” by rearing children? It’s true, because a highly speculative article about Angelina Jolie on ABCNEWS.com says so!

I wrote about my vow to unplug my kids–Monday through Friday, anyway–in my latest column:

When my kids were little, I was adamant that I would never allow video games in the house.

“Those things rot your brain!” I’d protest to my husband, whose brain, I figured, must be at least three-quarters rotted by then.

I wasn’t entirely scientific in my protest. My only evidence was a gut feeling that there was something really WRONG about the look that came over a kid’s (and, OK, my husband’s) face when they were deeply involved in an on-screen battle or quest.

read the rest, then do tell us about how video games work in your house. Do your kids play? Do you or your spouse? Do you set limits or give them free reign? And most important: do you play Rock Band?

So I meant to continue my thoughts about parental distraction over the weekend, but it’s just been one of those weeks: a few deadlines, some worries in my personal life, and then every. last. kid. in the house got sick with some kind of flu-ey virus, culminating in a trip to the doctor tonight for the littlest of us (The diagnosis? A case of barky, scary-sounding, but ultimately, not likely to be serious croup). As an aside, I just loved watching the young student who did our “intake” put the pieces together tonight as he guessed at a diagnosis. I’d wondered if it was croup before I left the house, but once we went outside into the cold air and he immediately improved, I was pretty convinced. It was so cute to see the intern’s face light up as I fed him symptom after symptom and he pieced them together to come up with the right answer. I also must say I was very impressed at the fact that the doctor, who is new to us due to an insurance change, 1) answered the phone HIMSELF and immediately arranged for us to come in and see him, and 2) praised the fact that my youngest is still nursing. Overall, a very pleasant experience to have with a new doctor.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, distraction. See, I’m too distracted to even focus on my own distraction…

So I’ve pegged the culprit in our house: it’s this damned computer.

The thing is, we NEED the computer. My husband, for example, makes his living from knowing about computers, and I do the bulk of my research and communication with editors via the ‘net. But it’s only too easy to let this computer intrude into every last moment of the day if we let it. After all, it’s easy to carry a laptop to the breakfast table, then leave it there through dinner, until it’s time to go to bed with your spouse–sitting next to each other clickety-clacking away. I’d like to say that never happens in our house, but it does, and more than I’m comfortable with.

Part of the problem is that I’ve got a hard time drawing boundaries between my work time and family time. Since I’ve been a work-at-home mom for years, I’ve gotten in the habit of trying to work in little snippets, while the kids are (finally) entertaining themselves or napping. But none of them are babies anymore…not even the baby, really. My big kids are at school for a big chunk of the day, and when they’re not, they need to know that I’m here, available, and tuned in. For me, that’s going to have to mean shutting my laptop and just walking away during those crucial evening hours between 5:00 nd 9:00 PM (okay, 9:30 if I also want to get the dishes done. And if I want to spend time with my spouse, I’d be better off just leaving the thing shut).

It sounds obvious…but for people who make a living by being connected with others through their modems at various times of the day…or for those of us who’ve gotten used to meeting deadlines late at night or whenever we can find a moment, it can be really difficult to close off that connection. But ultimately, I think, worth it.

For other parents, maybe the computer isn’t such a problem. Maybe you’re glued to your cell phone (not a problem for me, as I frequently forget to charge my cell phone and pretty much refuse to answer it in public). Maybe you get lost in evening programs on TV. Whatever the issue, are you missing out on important stuff by being distracted? Is there a three-hour block of time you could set aside every night to bite the bullet, shut down that distraction and walk away? (For a good reality check about the importance of all these gadgets, read The Simple Family’s recent post on technology).

Honestly, thinking about not touching my computer between 5 and 8:30 every night gives me the twitches. Not only am I used to being “available”, but I’m used to the instant gratification that only the internet can provide. But let’s face it: when was the last time I actually got an important e-mail after 5? And even if I did, there’s no reason it couldn’t wait until the next morning to be answered.

Because I really don’t want my kids to think of me as a human permanently connected to a laptop. That would be creepy. And besides, there are just better things to be doing. Like doing a jigsaw puzzle or playing a round of Sorry. Going for a walk or baking banana bread

Or like those dishes, still waiting in the sink. Sigh.

got something to say about the family bed–maybe your own experience with co-sleeping, or why it wasn’t the best choice for you? Read my latest essay in the Family.com comment contest and leave a comment of your own–you could win a prize. (Plus, some of the comments are really funny. One of my favorite lines “Well, we won’t lay any phone books on the baby, okay?”)

Okay, so I’ve got a handle on the video game issue . Now comes the hard part: time to address what’s going on with Mom and Dad that allowed the whole thing–that, and other undesirable behaviors–to take root in the first place.

In a nutshell, that would be: distraction.

We’re busy people. I balance deadlines around sick days, snow days and kids-running-amok days. Jon works long hours and often brings his work home with him. With all the distractions around here, it’s very easy for our work lives to have no end at all but simply stretch out in all directions until we’re “working” from the moment we get up until the moment we pass out at night.
Of course, the longer we stretch out that work, the more I find we both screw around and waste time, too. After all, it would be way depressing to sit at the computer all day if you couldn’t take a break every ten minutes to check out lolcats or something.

But lately, I’ve been spending way too much time distracted. I respond when the kids address me, but too often it’s one of those: “Hmmm? Mmmm…yes….ummmmm, one second” kind of responses you tend to give when you’re in engrossed in something (that’s, most of the time, actually not all that engrossing) on the computer.

Maybe 1/10 of those times, whatever I’m engrossed in is actually worthy of putting my kids off so I can finish (typing those last two words in an important e-mail, finishing a sentence in an article so I don’t forget what I was trying to say later). In those cases I don’t mind asking my kids to wait a minute or two. The other 9/10 of the time? Nope. It’s some silly message board post I only started reading because I was bored. Or some e-mail I don’t need to read in the first place.

And here’s the thing–when you’re constantly distracted, your kids know it. And that’s when they ask questions like “Mom, can I drink a Coke?” to which you say “Hmmm? Oh, I guess, honey…just get some for all your siblings, too. Don’t forget the baby, okay?” They run off gleefully and ten minutes later you startle back to life and say “Wait–WHAT did I just tell them they could do?”

Soon, you have your answer, as four kids hopped up on caffeine and corn syrup start chasing their non-existent tails around the living room.

My point? Distraction is normal and natural, and nobody can be 100% attentive all the time. But there comes a point when you’re distracted more often than you’re present, and that’s when you don’t really pay attention to all the great details of life going on all around you. And, you accidentally do things like authorize Coke consumption in all four of your young boy children. Yikes.

I found myself in this position recently, and am working hard on pushing back against those distractions in my life now. I’ll post more about the solutions I’m working on soon.

I was thinking about my Mom’s a Liar essay and the things I was told as a child, often in an off-hand, humorous manner, that I absolutely believed and still, to this day, have a hard time shaking off.

I’m not talking about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny here. I mean stuff like this:

“Your leg will get stuck there!” My mom said this to me, probably as a joke, as I was trying to put my foot behind my head one day. I believed her immediately and could never shake the worry even when I saw other people successfully get their feet from behind their head. Perhaps one day, one of my biggest regrets will be that I never put my foot behind my head when I was flexible enough to do it.

“If you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs will fly out of the sockets.” I’m not even sure where I heard this one, but I’m still paranoid about it. Actually, maybe this one IS true? I don’t think I’ll test it.

“Sometimes people accidentally swallow their tongues when they sleep.” My brother said this to me when I was four years old, after we watched an episode of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not featuring a tongue-swallowing man. Sometimes I am still overcome with a moment of panic as I lay in bed at night that I might accidentally swallow my tongue as I sleep.

Got any of your own to share?

Since February is a short month, my Becoming Mothers group will be held tomorrow–Tuesday, February 19–at 1 PM rather than on the third Tuesday as usual. The next group is this Sunday, February 24, from 2:30 - 4:00. If you’re an expecting or new mom with a babe-in-arms, I’d love to see you there!

When Time Out Chicago interviewed me for a piece on “microcelebrity”–a concept so new I couldn’t even find a singularly accepted definition to link to–I had no idea that they were going to name me one of the lucky (?) micro-celebs. Still, it’s probably something I could get a lot of mileage out of in some context, say at family parties, where some relatives are still impressed by the fact that I have a blog.

So where did we leave off? Ah yes, my last video game post told the lovely tale of how this techno-skeptic mama wound up with a house full of screen junkies. Now, the bazillion-dollar question: How to stuff that cat back in the bag?

I tried the obvious route: setting limits. I really did. But my kids’ widely varying personalities made this nearly impossible. First you’ve got Jacob, the “Rules Were Made To Be Broken” kid. Set a rule, and he’ll try to find 101 ways of weaseling out of it, getting around it, or outsmarting it. For instance, I set a rule that the kids could play video games for a half-hour each day, and I got a constant stream of this from Jacob:

“Mom, I got on at 3:40, but then it took two minutes for the game to load, so can I get an extra two minutes?”
“Mom, I had to go to the bathroom and that took three minutes, does it count?”
“Mom, I let Isaac play my guy to get me out of the swamp; shouldn’t that count as his time instead of mine?”

Of course, to me, the 30-minute-rule was really just an estimate–I wasn’t timing him with a stopwatch. So I didn’t much care about his bathroom breaks…but it’s not like I could tell HIM that or else my credibility would have gone right down the drain. Thus, he drove me completely insane with his constant badgering.

Isaac, on the other hand, ONLY responds to rules. So if he’s on the XBox and it seems like he’s been on a little too long, I can’t just say “Isaac, shut it off now” without a fight. He’ll look shocked and genuinely confused. “But why?” he’ll say, looking completely befuddled. Set a timer for Isaac and he’ll follow it. Of course, you can’t set a timer for one kid and let the other go on the “when Mom thinks you’ve had enough” rule for the other without a huge fuss, as I came to find out.

William, my four-year-old, has entered a phase in his life where he’s getting smarter, more independent, and, well, bossy. Not only does he not really understand the concept of how long 30 minutes is, but every time I’d try to set a limit, he’d launch a debate, hands on hips, with threats like “If I don’t get to play I’m going to be really ANGRY!” (okay, son….go for it.)

Soon it felt like my life was being ruled by video games: There was the begging to become a “member” on some Internet role-playing game. There was the begging for one more minute, Mom, please? The squabbles over who got to get on the laptop first. Bickering over which game to play on the XBox. Fights over whom was going to give who various weaponry and gold within the game. And then, when I’d had enoughand made them turn it off, I got to listen to them talking about the game, rehashing all their glorious battles and quests. I think the last straw was when William, had a semi-meltdown because we couldn’t log into Club Penguin (which is really a very cute and innocent game…but not worthy of tears and tantrums). At some point, I just lost it and said ENOUGH!

I’m tired of looking at the top of my kid’s head over a laptop screen at the dining-room table!
I’m tired of seeing blank stares!
I’m tired of our world revolving around whose turn it is to play which games next!

So our solution, for now, is as follows:
No video or computer games during the school week, period.
Friday night and Saturday, knock yourselves out.
Sunday is family day, so depending on what’s going on that day, there will be time limits. If there is any arguing over the time limits…if I so much as hear a single word about them…the games are turned off that day, period.

My hope is that Saturdays, we’ll have enough to do that the kids won’t actually sit in front of the games all day. However, I do want them to feel like they are getting a chance to indulge one day a week–because it’ll be nice for me to have a day off from my Mean Old Curmudgeon role.

I’ll keep ya posted as to how this expermient turns out…and move on to Disconnect #2: Distracted Parents next.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t the time of year to be pondering this question. (I mean, duh–it’s been below freezing for days on end here, coupled with bitter winds and black ice under the snow. Kids, aren’t you just dying to go out and play?)

But it’s something that’s been on my mind lately: Do kids still play outside? Run around and explore the neighborhood? If not, why not?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on the Chicago Moms Blog about this very issue. And over at Bring the Family, Toni’s been talking about how to get kids out in nature in an increasingly indoors-oriented world. Here is an excerpt of a comment I posted over there in response to one of her posts:

The thing I kept wondering last summer was: WHERE ARE ALL THE KIDS? I live on a block with probably 150 residences on it. I KNOW there are tons of kids here. So where are they? In their backyards, I guess (edited to add: or, their bedrooms). We’d find them at the park, but to me going to the park for an hour with your parents is not the same as the kind of adventurous, lazy, meandering, all-day play I experienced as a kid. I think kids are increasingly drawn indoors by the screens, AND parents are busier so often kids aren’t at home but are in some kind of structured activity or child care or after-school program, and when they ARE home, parents are too nervous/paranoid to let kids have the kind of freedom that you need to be able to have those “dawn-to-dusk” outdoor days. Here’s one great resource that talks about a lot of these issues: Playborhood.

The thing is, I think kids learn so much from those first tastes of freedom, not to even mention the necessity of physical activity and being out in nature. I want for my kids a community full of other kids running from house to house, from yard to yard, exploring, digging, and just…playing. My fear is that it just doesn’t exist anymore.

What do you think? What’s keeping kids indoors, and how do we get them back outside?